Sunday, 14 August 2005

I'm cutting my hands up everytime i touch you.
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Tori amos: Merman
Topic: WhirlwindThoughts
Ok life update:

well last saturday i posted in my gaia journal.... we'll just say day went ok until adrian told me he cheated on me (and some events before that)and i burst into tears and ran off

what appartently happeend was the girl kissed him and he was too durnk to pull away

i forgave him for that...

even though every person i talked to and told them and asked advice told me to dump him because he was just hurting me and using me again and again and again and if i kept forgiving him he'd do it more so i'm so confused

anyway saturday yesterday.. i almost wans't going to go see him...
why you ask?
on friday i was joking about kids and stuff and he suddenly got upset so i asked him what was up,...
found out he'd been dating a girl for 3 years called jade and she got pregnant but got rid of the baby before he could change her mind about it and he wanted to settle down with her...

well i was upset about thata s u can guess... i still am.. other girls ...maybe i could tyr and be better though i doubt it but a baby?? how can i try and replace the feelings he musta felt for that child?! and i don't wanna 'replace' them i want him to feel love for me too but it'll never be anything as greta as that love he musta felt back then...
and when i asked him if she wanted him would he go back to her...
he said he couldn't be sure
:( *cries*
he'd just dump me and go back to her again like he's done the times before as she's the person he kept going out with when he dumped me and :'(

i'm so confused about what i feel for him right now because he doens't love me, he can't feel that lvoe for me he felt for her and he says he's trying but.... *sigh* i know he's trying and wants to because he wants to forget about all that but i can't...

i keep thinking about it and wanting to cry again and again and again because it remidns me of that poem thing i read on msn that mademe cry for ages and it reminds me of henry and me and mike and me when i used to talk to them about kids and then it also remidns me of the texts he sent after everytime we broek up bout him and jade in bed and getting married and being engaged and he said he was engaged to her but he said it was years ago but he ssaid he was engeaged to her only months ago in a text ages ago so... he's lied to me.. which hurts.... which remidns me of him lying abotu other things and tstuff he didn't lie abotu and stuff i've found otu about him and *screams clutches head and falls onto the ground twitching and crying*

:((
:cry:
I feel so... unhappy and weird...

yesterdya started off badish weather was shite and i didn't know how to feel about seeing him.. i anted to slap him or turn away and run off crying again btu i didn't
went to afflecks and he bought me some gloves i wanted which are so cute and special and i love them so much!!! which make me love him more but... when i think about it it's like a bribe because he kissed me straight after it and i felt rude to push him away afer he bought me that stuff...

had lunch.. nice tummy hurt alot though coz on period and iw as heavy blah blah he was being sweet and trying to be nice for mostfot he day which i liked but i still felt awkward especially when we met up with his friend and theywere talkign and i did't know what to say because i didn't know them and we went for a drink but i needed loo basically so i could geta way fro the smoke in the pub and change myself (girls may know what i mean) [not like sttrip or anythign girl stuff] anyway yeah.. didn't have a dirnk then felt thirsty and unhappy... i don't even know if ad noticed any marks on my arms and wrists.... v_v *sigh*

anyway walked around alot we stopped and ad went to pull me but i didn't respond so that upset him then i felt bad but... *sigh*
then everything started going ok, we kissed, sat down tok pics *i'll try and put them on later if he sends me them) and then.... skip bits out hehehe
we ended up on bus at the end before i had to go and i whispsred "i love you" to him and he did't respond, seem to get a little upset and said "if i say it back you probabaly won't believe me" but then i nearly started cyring because that upset me because he hadn't said it back so then he did... but still.. i still feel hurt about it

and online he acts different and always tries to dump me but on phone he's nice and acts like he lovesme
it's so confusing

when i woke up i wanted to cry and felt like i hated him and that he'd chated and didn't love me
an horu later i felt like i loved him so much and that i wanted to be with him forever...

i think i've got a personallity problem
maybe i'm just pms-ing...

*sigh*
also sad coz henry said he doesn't want 'linkgirl' on his site *to someone else* which hurt me alot because i am linkgirl but on there i'm in disguise....

as a lesbian dutch person called kira :P

anyway.... i feel very cold and alone and i'm confused about how i feel... i want him to change a little so i can love him because right now i want to and say i do but i dunno... i think i'm only convincing myself that if i lose him i'll be alone and i hate being alone so much...
but i'm unsure how he feels too whichis whats making me think that because he can say he lovesme then when i say it to him not say it back or... *sigh* I DO love him i know i do or i wouldn't wanna lose him or i wouldn't have taken him bak but i just feel likei'll never be good enough which upsets me becaus ei have so many people to compete against and for him to compare me against wher as i can't compare him against anyone and sometime i feel like i let him down because i wanna make him happy but can't or don't or i'm quiet because i dunno what to say then he thinks i'm unhappy then i can see he's unhappy because he thinks i am and then that makes me really unhappy then he'll get more upset because i am and then i'll probaably start crying or feel worse and get depressed then his eye will go all watery and he'll be upsetish to and gah!!! >_<

i just feel like shite now... and i wanna cry.. infact i AM crying now dammit... every guy i've been out with *online or irl) have cheated on me... some worse than others and i just feel so hurt because i try not to cheat on people and i don't where as they don't seem to try and end up doing so!! and he keeps beggign me to take him back and stuff then he acts cold towards me and it's fucking my mind up so much *cries and whimpers*

I wana go round to his on saturday but i dunno if i'll eb allowed out and stuff v_v*sigh* we are too far awya i can feel that distance now but he has work all week so i cna't see him then and he knows that v.v

i dunno what i wish for.. what i want... v_V

i do know i want those items on gaia GAH!

anyway i'llgo for now.. any more thought i get i'll post laters

~Taeno~

Posted by angelondeathrow at 6:05 PM BST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink