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Sunday, 9 October 2005

Happy b-day to meeee!!!
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Cradle of filth: Nephatamine Fix
Topic: WhirlwindThoughts
highs and lows..... but mosly highs!! *gets weed* lolz j/k yucky! i've not turned into cerri yet and i don't wanna >_< XP!

anyway i'm hyper as you can guess! whether the alcohols just kicked in or whether it's the sweets and chocolate i dunno but WARGHH I;M 16!!! AND LEGAL TOOO......
buy a lottery ticket XD
and i did!!!!
i got one number
v_V ahh well *throws ticket away* i tried v.v

anyway lets start from the top:
Last saturday tenj had a party at stells jhouse.. to cut the long confusing story short stell got deaded and couldn't come to my party then as she's grounded for life... v.v
and ad not rang.... i ased my pendulum and it says it was considering texting me but he wouldn't and that he misses me slightly.... is that god or bad? i miss him alot.... goddammit why cna't i hate him????
because i love him goddammit i gotta stop saying goddammit godDAMMIT

yes i am hyper....
anyway so yeah lets get him out my head for at leats 2 minutes
becky m couldn't come coz she's being gay with lucy and walking 30 miles to kill herse;lf XD and like i said stell was groudned and deaded
so it was me...loz...alice...jade and kiwi.. WHEN THE ALIENS INVADED!!!!!!

or not
anyway (slaps self 'stop going off topic')i got ready, opened prezzies which were:
1.teh black corset from afflecks
2.teh black and pruple skirt iw anted from afflecks
3.the choker i've been droling over for 2 months from afflecks ^______^
4.?100 off dad
5. ?50 off gran and 1 grand in my bank account ^_^ (i'm in teh money!!! :D)
6. chocolate! lots of it!!!! from jade, alison, bev,kiwi etc
7. sweets off teh elfster!
8. some cool black tops off people and a skirt!!! :D
9. makeup things and teh mascara i wanted ^_^
10.jewlerry tis coolio espec. the celtic necklace thing ^_^
11.2 spikey belts ^____^
12. lil dog book and dog teddy XP!!
13.harry potter book XD! :D
14. bath things
17.and a TY bat!! called batty ^_^

it was so cool XD the cake was awesome on it's own (go see the b-day pics on my main site for more info)
so i dressed up as a bat.. well more like i tried to and turned out to be a purple and black blob XD with wings,d evil horns and gothicy clothing XD asu can see on teh pics
jade was a scal... and she looks so good as it it's scary O.O
loz and alice were the 3 musketers XD minus lucy and they were really good actually since they had to make and invent their own costume!
and kiwi was a pink and black fairy which was cool XP still snorting the old headband

anyway iw anna hurry this up coz i want a bath XD!!

so they came round, made my grana nd grandad derss up, mum was 'Fairy Nuff' XD!!! and pete wore some bat glasses hehehe and we all listened to music, stuffed faces with food, took pics, danced in the bubbles and then watched the crow... IT WAS GREAT :D they all liked it ^_^ when alice and kiwi had left we started watching crash but got tired so we went to bed...

well moe like loz fell asleep and kiwi told random ghost stories about a cat called kirsten, king becky and princess balamory 0.o less scary than it sounds lol and i molested them both with glow sticks

anyway thenw e went manchester saturday.... luckily ad wasn't about *hits self* STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM GAH! wore my 'kliss me it's my b-day badge' so got a few odd looks lolified! XD ate chiense food though we were early,then we went to afflecks and...
i went to the sale railand this is the best bit of my b-day
i got a corset....
it was ?70....
down to...... ?10!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG!!! IT'S AWESOME IT'S EXACTLY THE STYLE I WANT I LOVE IT!!!
and a dress ?39 down to ?5!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY FOOKIN ROCK!!!! ^_______^ :D
so i was so happy... but ran out of money quickly asu can geuss but i still bought my blue lipstick i wanted and white powder and i'm giving becky m ?10 for her b-day lolz

anyway went to see wallace and gromit ayt the AMC which rocked too!!!!! before it though this guy was taking pics of us.. o.0 bit scary
and in the cinema these group of kids were sceraming and yelling stuff at the back and makign stuipid sex noises and throwing popcorn so that pissed me and kiwi off a bit

what esle....
loz got bex's prezzy.... and we gotcola.. it said it was 65p and it was 95p!! RIP OFF!! gurrr

and on met home there was the ticket inspector type of people.. about 5 of them and one said happy b-day to me and then saw my badge and said "hey [insert other guys name here] it's your lucky day!!" to this about 35 yr old and i was like "O.O?!""!!!" SHIT! but he didn't so anything which wa sok
then after we dropped loz off home i went into newsagents to buy my lottery ticket and the guy kissd me on the cheek!!! XD!! and said not to tell his g/f hahahaha XDDDDD it was great cept i smelt of aftershave then o.0;;

didn't see dream dude again v_v waaagghhhh v_v

but b-day was great i'm chuffed to bits bout the corset ^.^ wish i still had ad... or someone.. mike hasn't even said happy b-day to me let alone send the card and presents *sigh*

oh well...
i miss ad too much... i really need o find soemthign to take my mind off it... i'm getting the the stage i can't sleep i keep crying and thinkign about things and i feel liek i'm going insane even at school i can feel my brain throbbing with evil memories gahhhh!!

lol talkign bout school i wore the badge into school as weelll on friday and everyone cept blwoing me kisses.... even mrs birch!! but that was just scary
and kati did so i did back... i'm kinda not madat kati anymore.. i can finally forgive her lol.. about 9 months later... >.> i do hold grudges too much but if i don't hate him then i can't really hate her

but tori's a different story i just hate her in general XD!!!whore

what ese... thats about it for now.... ^_^; cept loz or alice or soemoens gave me a sore throat :( wahhh!!! v.v

mental note: must get stuff to rearrange altar.


Posted by angelondeathrow at 7:29 PM BST

Tuesday, 27 September 2005

So i stand with a death smike on my face
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: The Used: ...something? o.0
Topic: WhirlwindThoughts
*shivers violently* qwoah thatw as weird sorry it just came oevr me... @.@ jesbus why's it so cold suddenly???

i cna't remember my last post but it was prop about me and ad splitting up *coz we have* *sighs unhappily* his new g/f's called laura which is worse coz i sit near somone called laura in english and i know it's prob a dif laura but it's the name it just... gahhh >_<

anyway go through events:
*i can only remember from saturday*
got woke up about 8:30... so much for my lie in -.-; coz kirsten had rang my house asking to out to manchester so i rang her house.. didn't pick up.. then i couldn't get back to sleep so rang her mobile later and we met up and went out after dinner... went round afflecks.. kept my glassds offf so i couldn't see adrian if he was in town but my pendulum reasssured me he wasn't but neitherwas my dream dude T_T it told me he'dbeen in the cinema but was gone wheni asked it later on the met. >.>
anyway rambling a bit... kiwi bought a pink fluffy headband and black fairy wings for my party ^.^ it was cool ^_^ but having to walk through urbis with her lookign like that was embressing... cerri passed us and didn't say hi or anything to we bitched about her lmao XD
but everyone has been doing that recently anyway besides it was her and tori who were spredaing shit about me and ad and she's been doing it again
urgh i'm pissed off to tori's in 6th form so that puts me off going 6th form now which is fucking....just GAH and she's dyed her hair red which is alsojust... I'M GONNA FUCKING BURN HER i know where she lives too i could eaisly just torch her house.... hopefully she'll die hehehe

anyway besides that we had a gooddya and i had tea at kiwi's too so itwas cool and my hands are so cold right now 0-o

sunday was boring ...

oh other things before i forget ad tried ringing me twice on... last fri at 16 or 17:42 and on sat at 12:28 but didn't have phone on.. he hans't tried since then v_vi do miss him so mugh right now... but i won't go out with him again.. i just wanna see him GAH it's more the fact i miss the person he is around me rather than the peson he is around everyone else... T.T i want my dream dude GAHHHH i keep dreaming about this guy who's like a mix between jim morrison, brandon lee and gerard way <3 *emo hearts them all XD*

anyway my fav film is also the crow right now and i quite like HIM ^.^

been writing poems again.. well i'm writing one right now

oh i also saw janice on saturday he looks so fit omg >_< gahhh but everyone fancies him so i don't stand a chance ever anyway so i'm not even gonna try y_y

i also asked heather out XD and she said yes W00T ^-^

not much else has happened.. there this new gaia thing on gaia *duh* called agai towns and this 14 yr old asked me out on it the other night XD but isaid i'd think about it then ran off XD!!! hehehe i so cruel...

gajh so many items i want on gaia...

tenj's been pissing so many people off recently it's funny XD so many things keep going round about her i still friends with ginette but not tenji *nods* it makes perfect sense. she's redating matt so obviously there gonna be bitching about her going on again from stell or jade or cerri or alice lolz keeps me up on the gossip and takes any light off what i get up to. *stretches back*
got P.E tomorrow urgh
had english spkaing and listeneing yesterday which sucked bad i had hardly any speaking part and i could trell peopleweren't too impressed but oh well >.>

i'm really into spiritual programs and ghost programs right now.. i might start taking up wicca again if they'll forgive my black magic and train to become a medium or one of those pry-blah-cologist people XD w/e they are ^_^; or.. blah *nod*

gah i keep thinking about adrian and i dunno why.. today in my chemistry test i kept staring at the pic of me and him on my folder (the big DIE i write across him has come off) and i realised how much i did miss him
...hence to sya i only got 8 right on my test XD out of 21 XP.
and that was by pure chance and nice marker people

i keep taking anti depressants... they make my heart go all odd and flutter like.. and skip beats and go faster and then make me sleep.... it was good...
except i took one on open evening and fell asleep before i had to go and had to prize myself awake again >_<

gah i can't stop getting thoughts of him in my mind!!!! i keep getting images i don't want yet ...i dunno i don't want to lose those images i just don't want them playing in my head constantly like a broken record v.v

becky m seems a bit distant right now.. o.o;; i dunno maybe it's just me or maybe it's coz loz has been away
loz is back from germany tomorrow YEY ^-^

i might be goign lazer quest saturdya but i dunno if i can or not now coz mum aint happy it's late at night T_T

i have loads of spots all over my back, arm and chest and i dunno why but i hate it T_T

lol some of jade's turkish friends think i'm pretty XD then again they are perverts and only perverts seem to liike me V_v

today my mum dyed my hair red^_^ but if anyone sdays it looks like tori's i'll fucking kicked their bollocks off (or w/e they have instead of that) lolz
i also was sat on the bus.. minding my own buisness as i usually do and then suddenly... these people ont he bakc of my bus say my name (first and last bit) and start talking about me!!! and i'm sat right there infront whether they knew this or not i think they did and they said somehtign about urbis and then about "she dated that guy right?" but i dunnpo if that was about me at that point but they kept yelling things as if expecting me to turn round but i didn't i just pretended i did't know what theyw ere talking about it was scary X.x there was about 8 of them X.x

blahhh *cry* i feel like crying so much right now but i can't.... and i dunno why... ghost still thinks ihave a split personality problem...
lkiwi's my drug XD she makes me so happy and hyper and i dunno why 0-o

anyway my b-day in 10 days ^_^ tenji's is this friday lolz she knows i'm havign a party and guesses she's not invited so she hasn't invited me to anything or hers yet XD and she keeps writing a list of her friends names but not including me XD lol it quite funny she thinks i'm bothered coz i don't really give a shit ....and if she shows up at my patry my mum said she'd jus kick her out lolzzzz

mum dressing up as an angel for my b-day XD

i want some white powder makeup and some lipstick XD lolies

hmm lolies
gah i feel so fat right now too i need to exercise more but i'm lazy.. i wish there was a pill i could take to get me thin T.T

saw a pic of mehmet... the guy jade fancies in turkey HE LOOKS 12 IT'S SO ADORABLE XD hehehe
jade wants to ahve an affair with mike
andmentioning him.. he's not been online for ages.....
since that hurricane really and before that
none of his friends have either

anywya gonan go poll more on gaia for gold....

i wish i could get him out my head... i can't sleep at night anymore (another reason i'm taking those anti depressanst to knock me out) coz i keep thinking of him and wanting to cry y.y
and then when i wake up i think of him
at schol i think of him (no thanks to seeing kati and tori [well one of them atleast every day]) and when anyone gets their phones out i get mine out and turn it on then wonder why i did that because he won't be texting me anymore and then i check my inbox and just see messages off him and upset myself v_v and then when i get home i think of him when i hear song lyrics v_v and when readiny my memnoch the devil book i keep thinking of him and online i flick through my pictures and i see him and think of him or on my folder or i'll see a sn with adrian or soemthing similiar in and i'll freak out and when i see couples together in the street i feel so lonely... *cries*

i wanna be a vampire.... i know i say this alot but i truely do.. i don't care about beign a goth or about being viewed as being a freak or anything i really do wanna inflict harm on people and drain them to death and go around wearing those beautiful corset dresses and tops *some i alreday have a few of* and go around at night with no fera and have real fangs not just ivory impants....
impants lmao i meant implants

jade's made this col lil book at schoool lol

gah i just dya these entries won't be here will they? coz this site may be gone WAHHH *cling to the long entry*

anyway yes i WILL go now... BYESS

Posted by angelondeathrow at 8:40 PM BST

Monday, 29 August 2005

i will never ask if you don't ever tell me
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: ive no idea but there screaming!
Topic: WhirlwindThoughts
I so unhappy right now
adrian just left
i dunno if i'm crying coz i miss him or because i know we might break up or because i don't wanna be with him or... *cries* T_T

We were fine at first, watching film and then we were kissing but it loked dodgy and mum walked in and wondered what we were doing so we were too embarrest then and then he was all depressed all afternoon and almost cyring and he wouldn't tell me whats wrong which got me upset and he seemed more interested in my mum than me because he kept talking to her and he hardly said anything to me but kept singing and stuff

i feel so alone and unhappy all adrian ever does recently is just pick on me or put me down or tell me stuff i don't wanna klnow and he acts like he doens't care aout me then expects me to want him and be happy afterwards and i don't like that! it's making me hate him i'm so confused i was readin the old convo's with henry before and henry was the one who had said he wanted to be friends with me still and cared and now it's the opposite *cry*

i wanna die so much i cna't stand living my heads fucked up so much it keeps hurting me and making me think things i shouldn't and *cries unhappily*


Posted by angelondeathrow at 7:52 PM BST

free me right now you take me away
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: foo fighters- free me
Topic: WhirlwindThoughts
take it from me

I quite happy right now so i thought u better be updated

adrians coming round ^_^ squeee!!!! all afternoon! ^.^ yey!!!
rumours going round apparently arlredat about me and him doing stuff so i told them fof
well actually i think stel was just making it up to see if i admitted to it which i wasn't going to do gurrrr!!!!!

long as people don't ask me to my face i'll be a-ok ^_^

can't wait wish he was here right now to huggle 6.^ only half an hour or so to wait ^.^

got my web stuff on gaia now i after the strapped manties and lunar cowl and my other quest ^_^

shane not sent me a postcard yet

and mace talked to me the other day, told me he had O.C.D and i couldn't talk to him again because of it being so bad. so meh v_v sad cry moment but least i know he's not dead

i wanna talk to vince not talked to him in ages might email him soon

been doing art h/w though i dunno what it is and i got just this week left to do about 4 or 5 pages and i can't do any today >_<

want the new harry potter book now >_<

my eyes hurt from beign online oh well XP

i gave ad some roses for his b-day though i did wanna keep them myself XP i hope hebuys me some back ^_^

anyway gonna go now.... update laters ;)

Posted by angelondeathrow at 2:16 PM BST

Sunday, 14 August 2005

Mood:  blue
An Error Has Occurred!
Sorry Taeno Dowr Ghelan, you are banned from using this forum!

Reason: Using the same font color as the background which instead of being used as a spoiler, it was used to hide things from Administrators.

[thats so NOT in the rules]

??₮???g? ??t₮l? g???? You say the world is sick...tell me what that makes us darlin' Gur cookies for all!! says:
heh it took you long enough
I can grasp the best part of my life... says:
i had suspicions that it was you for a while, but never thought to check
??₮???g? ??t₮l? g???? You say the world is sick...tell me what that makes us darlin' Gur cookies for all!! says:
well if i signed up as linkgirl i knew you'd ban me straight away v_v
??₮???g? ??t₮l? g???? You say the world is sick...tell me what that makes us darlin' Gur cookies for all!! says:
btw before u ask maaikeno isn't me it's someone else from the old zd
??₮???g? ??t₮l? g???? You say the world is sick...tell me what that makes us darlin' Gur cookies for all!! says:
i was just using them to hide
??₮???g? ??t₮l? g???? You say the world is sick...tell me what that makes us darlin' Gur cookies for all!! says:
I can grasp the best part of my life... says:
i see
??₮???g? ??t₮l? g???? You say the world is sick...tell me what that makes us darlin' Gur cookies for all!! says:
i just wanted to join...
??₮???g? ??t₮l? g???? You say the world is sick...tell me what that makes us darlin' Gur cookies for all!! says:
and see how everyoen was doing
I can grasp the best part of my life... says:
sorry, but due to personal reasons, you can't... along with reasons of you hiding things from us in posts
??₮???g? ??t₮l? g???? You say the world is sick...tell me what that makes us darlin' Gur cookies for all!! says:
??₮???g? ??t₮l? g???? You say the world is sick...tell me what that makes us darlin' Gur cookies for all!! says:
ok i understand....
I can grasp the best part of my life... says:
but yes, don't do it again, and bye
??₮???g? ??t₮l? g???? You say the world is sick...tell me what that makes us darlin' Gur cookies for all!! says:

*cries unhappily*
i feel so... sad right now



Posted by angelondeathrow at 6:19 PM BST

I'm cutting my hands up everytime i touch you.
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Tori amos: Merman
Topic: WhirlwindThoughts
Ok life update:

well last saturday i posted in my gaia journal.... we'll just say day went ok until adrian told me he cheated on me (and some events before that)and i burst into tears and ran off

what appartently happeend was the girl kissed him and he was too durnk to pull away

i forgave him for that...

even though every person i talked to and told them and asked advice told me to dump him because he was just hurting me and using me again and again and again and if i kept forgiving him he'd do it more so i'm so confused

anyway saturday yesterday.. i almost wans't going to go see him...
why you ask?
on friday i was joking about kids and stuff and he suddenly got upset so i asked him what was up,...
found out he'd been dating a girl for 3 years called jade and she got pregnant but got rid of the baby before he could change her mind about it and he wanted to settle down with her...

well i was upset about thata s u can guess... i still am.. other girls ...maybe i could tyr and be better though i doubt it but a baby?? how can i try and replace the feelings he musta felt for that child?! and i don't wanna 'replace' them i want him to feel love for me too but it'll never be anything as greta as that love he musta felt back then...
and when i asked him if she wanted him would he go back to her...
he said he couldn't be sure
:( *cries*
he'd just dump me and go back to her again like he's done the times before as she's the person he kept going out with when he dumped me and :'(

i'm so confused about what i feel for him right now because he doens't love me, he can't feel that lvoe for me he felt for her and he says he's trying but.... *sigh* i know he's trying and wants to because he wants to forget about all that but i can't...

i keep thinking about it and wanting to cry again and again and again because it remidns me of that poem thing i read on msn that mademe cry for ages and it reminds me of henry and me and mike and me when i used to talk to them about kids and then it also remidns me of the texts he sent after everytime we broek up bout him and jade in bed and getting married and being engaged and he said he was engaged to her but he said it was years ago but he ssaid he was engeaged to her only months ago in a text ages ago so... he's lied to me.. which hurts.... which remidns me of him lying abotu other things and tstuff he didn't lie abotu and stuff i've found otu about him and *screams clutches head and falls onto the ground twitching and crying*

I feel so... unhappy and weird...

yesterdya started off badish weather was shite and i didn't know how to feel about seeing him.. i anted to slap him or turn away and run off crying again btu i didn't
went to afflecks and he bought me some gloves i wanted which are so cute and special and i love them so much!!! which make me love him more but... when i think about it it's like a bribe because he kissed me straight after it and i felt rude to push him away afer he bought me that stuff...

had lunch.. nice tummy hurt alot though coz on period and iw as heavy blah blah he was being sweet and trying to be nice for mostfot he day which i liked but i still felt awkward especially when we met up with his friend and theywere talkign and i did't know what to say because i didn't know them and we went for a drink but i needed loo basically so i could geta way fro the smoke in the pub and change myself (girls may know what i mean) [not like sttrip or anythign girl stuff] anyway yeah.. didn't have a dirnk then felt thirsty and unhappy... i don't even know if ad noticed any marks on my arms and wrists.... v_v *sigh*

anyway walked around alot we stopped and ad went to pull me but i didn't respond so that upset him then i felt bad but... *sigh*
then everything started going ok, we kissed, sat down tok pics *i'll try and put them on later if he sends me them) and then.... skip bits out hehehe
we ended up on bus at the end before i had to go and i whispsred "i love you" to him and he did't respond, seem to get a little upset and said "if i say it back you probabaly won't believe me" but then i nearly started cyring because that upset me because he hadn't said it back so then he did... but still.. i still feel hurt about it

and online he acts different and always tries to dump me but on phone he's nice and acts like he lovesme
it's so confusing

when i woke up i wanted to cry and felt like i hated him and that he'd chated and didn't love me
an horu later i felt like i loved him so much and that i wanted to be with him forever...

i think i've got a personallity problem
maybe i'm just pms-ing...

also sad coz henry said he doesn't want 'linkgirl' on his site *to someone else* which hurt me alot because i am linkgirl but on there i'm in disguise....

as a lesbian dutch person called kira :P

anyway.... i feel very cold and alone and i'm confused about how i feel... i want him to change a little so i can love him because right now i want to and say i do but i dunno... i think i'm only convincing myself that if i lose him i'll be alone and i hate being alone so much...
but i'm unsure how he feels too whichis whats making me think that because he can say he lovesme then when i say it to him not say it back or... *sigh* I DO love him i know i do or i wouldn't wanna lose him or i wouldn't have taken him bak but i just feel likei'll never be good enough which upsets me becaus ei have so many people to compete against and for him to compare me against wher as i can't compare him against anyone and sometime i feel like i let him down because i wanna make him happy but can't or don't or i'm quiet because i dunno what to say then he thinks i'm unhappy then i can see he's unhappy because he thinks i am and then that makes me really unhappy then he'll get more upset because i am and then i'll probaably start crying or feel worse and get depressed then his eye will go all watery and he'll be upsetish to and gah!!! >_<

i just feel like shite now... and i wanna cry.. infact i AM crying now dammit... every guy i've been out with *online or irl) have cheated on me... some worse than others and i just feel so hurt because i try not to cheat on people and i don't where as they don't seem to try and end up doing so!! and he keeps beggign me to take him back and stuff then he acts cold towards me and it's fucking my mind up so much *cries and whimpers*

I wana go round to his on saturday but i dunno if i'll eb allowed out and stuff v_v*sigh* we are too far awya i can feel that distance now but he has work all week so i cna't see him then and he knows that v.v

i dunno what i wish for.. what i want... v_V

i do know i want those items on gaia GAH!

anyway i'llgo for now.. any more thought i get i'll post laters


Posted by angelondeathrow at 6:05 PM BST

Monday, 1 August 2005

Hidden violence revealed
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Greenday: Holiday
Topic: WhirlwindThoughts
Darkness that seemed real
Look at the pages the cause of this evil

yes those lyrics ARE koRn

abnyway yesterday i was crying AGAIN because adrian told me about him and some girl called sarah.. and yeah.. it upset me v_v so i cut a loveherat on my arm...
then with the marks from sat realised it spelled "i <3..."
so i put 'u' at thee en
"i <3 u"

anyway butt hen cheered up, edited sites etc he rang trying to turn me on >.> heh

so today... well went on manchester, had chinese though muj brought hers back like 7 times afterwards >_>
and granw as tyring to put me off it
but it was nice ^_^
spent over 2 hours in afflecks/.... got fishnet socks, mum bought me my b-day presents [now this purple and spider web skirt] i bought myself a jacket thats like... half jacket half waspie :P and also got myself a seethru web sleeveless top

other tings bought.... snoopy rubbers, sweets, necklace and badges ^_^
i felt special today ^_^ adrian sent me a text "Morning trouble ow my lilgoth 2day miss u loads wat u up 2tb xxxx"
he never calls me his lil goth ^_^ [dunno why that made me feel spec but it did ^_^;; ]

anyway i say anyway way too much
but... any- *slaps*
i found out ad;s nickname at cadets.. it's bubble awww how cute ^.^

hope i can go out on sat... gotta make excuse to...

what else...
mie's friend josh was droolin oevr a pic of me b4 o.o;;; bit scary and mike's in trouble AGAIN gurrr

want pics of me and ad v.v
ad still need to give me the present her bought me...
fishnet stockings sqaweeee ^.^ kinkehness

shane's beeen scaring me too saying he cna't stop starin at that pic.. not like i'm freakin nakied you can hardly see it it's so pale and white >.>

hope jade remembers to give me art thing >.>

i love my new jacket ^.^
need to do h/w soon... better get it out of way

didn't get hair colour today v_V i'll get it soon i hope >.>

got adrian some roses ^.^ i bet he won't liek them but ... heh he better *shakes fist*

zd's gettin dead now... heh poor henry *shoots him* bastard
ghost was flirty with me before too! he said somethign along the lines of "if you ever break up with your b/f don't worry i'll be here for you."
i don't wanna date ghost! O.O;;;

ewwww >_<
sent n me still ain't talkin gurrrrrr
ghost won't kill him now either gurrrr
gurr gurrr guuurrrrrr i wanna see ad again >_<

not much else happened today *yawn*
so i'll go byessss


Posted by angelondeathrow at 8:45 PM BST

Sunday, 31 July 2005

my shadows the only one who walks besides me.
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Green day: when september ends <3
Topic: WhirlwindThoughts
Latest messages from ghost >_>

duckmandrake2000 (31/07/2005 00:34:15): so how are you doing today?
duckmandrake2000 (31/07/2005 00:35:05): I know you won't get this untill sunday, but I hope you're doing well and I hope that you and mike are able to work things out


look what some weird random dude sent me O-o
fred_420692003 (30/07/2005 05:17:02): roses are red,nuts are brown,skirts are up,pants are down,body 2 body,skin 2 skin, when its stiff,stick it in,send to 10 people and see if you get it back that means someone wants to freak you

ok my life:
well wednesday was like.. woah (put read other journal to know what happened pervs XD) and i was happy
told shane coz i knew he's keepa secret
but then mike came online and was saying he was going to buy me a diamond ring and i found out he wanted to propose to me O_O;;;;;;;
so i told sent and he asked why that was a bad thing and i told him about wednesday and told him not to tell anyone
he only goes and tellsmike doesn't he
that bastard!!!! i wanna fucking kill him! >_<
so mike was all mad at me and i got scared and was crying then he admitted he did the same anyway so yeah

yesterday was the shitest most unlucky day of my life y_y

here what happened:
Went to manchester to see adrian... well actually i was going to go to manchester, buy my bag, try dress on, pick prawncrackers up for mum then get on bury met, go to bury, get a bus to rawtenstall and then voila go to his house where we could... cuddle heh ;)

but got on met and found out the bury mets weren't working because there'd been an incident between victoria and whitefield or somehting people were syaing it was a fire so no mets were running to bur and there were delays etc.
so that got my upset coz i did't know how to get to him and i didn't wanna be in town alone.
so got to manchester andwent to chinese shop but my shoes began to hurt me.. they're pretty high ones but the killed like fuck i could hardly swalk let alone run to get to afflecks other at the other side afterwards.
anyway yeah went into chinese shop and there was a huge que and the woman infront was stallin wihich tickedme off.
So bought prawn crackers and ran to afflecks.. well stumbled as fast as i could... these guys were giving me evil looks an talking aout me when i went past... alot of people were which upset me too
got into afflecks... out of breath and went to bats to get my bag
wasn't there... the guysaid they won't be getting it in until haloween and thats only if i'm lucky and they do them then.
So that put me down so i went upstairs to get my dress.
that wasn't their either.... only one that was #75 not even boned and crap/cheap lookin.
so ad rang me and i was alreday almost in tears by then and i was hot and sweaty from trying to run and i was in pain so i got out of afflecks and went through the gardens then he had to direct me to the bus stop as the mets still weren't working and the lights changed on me so i couldn't cross so i walkesd out in front of a car and i needed a drinktoo dammit
got across road and to bus stop just intime as it was gona go soon and got on the bus (had to pay #2.30 )
so was on bus, alreday almost in tears and too hot. too jacket off and bus set off... no idea where i am or anything but time to cool down.
adrian tells me to get off near roundabout but i decide i don't want to because i'm scared i'll get off at wrong stop so he goes to saotp to wait for me.
anyway shoes were really rubbing my feet by now...
and it started raining and some dipstick had opened the window nearby so i was getting rained on and i couldn't shut it or get up to because i was scared of falling oer and i couldn't recah where i was sitting.
So went on motorway and got to stop and it was pouring it down in rawtenstall when i got off met.
ad didn't even hug me or kiss me when i got off met but i was a bit grumpy when i got off and complainign bout my feet.
so walked to asda, met his dad, posted mail, got his sis some chocolate and went to his old flat
then went to his mum's
after having to walk up a huge hill which hurt my feet
(but he did buy me a drink from asda yey)
got to his mum's house, met his sis, saw pic of him when he was little awweee bless ^.^ he has a huge dog which ws scaring me so they locked it in the other room
the floors was coevered in dog hairs so i got covered in them.
anyway so sat on sofa and the guy who was supoost to be moving ad's bed to his new house was meant to arrive at 12:00
he didn't arrive until gonee 2:00 almost 3:00
so i was sat on sofa, i didn't know what to say with ad bullying me slightly and his sister was there so we couldn't pull or do anything which was frustrating.
i was starvin too so got some sausage rolls from asda
my feet were seriosuly killin me
anyway before the guy came for the bed i was upset because so many things were going wrong so i went upstairs to 'go loo'
i got up there and burst out crying >_>
then heard him talking about me with his sister downstairs saying he bet i was putting my makeup on
but afte i'd cried i dideed to redo it so eah...

the guy arrived, put bed in van and we got in van, his sister was walkin to his flat to help load that stuff in when the van went back there after dropping thebed off at his house. (confusin huh?)
anyway i was in van with ad and trying to snuggle him but he was unresponsive v_v and then the van went over a bump and the exaust fell off!! i started crying and ad didn't even realise he just said "you right?" i just nodded, even though tears were falling down my face but my face was half covered by my hair and then he told me to smile so i faked one.
got to his house and i stayed there whilst he went to get his stuff from the flat so iw as all alone in the house.
(the sofa smelt of pee O.o)
anyway the minute heleft i ran upstairs and burst out crying in the corner between his bedroom and the bathroom and....
took the razor out from my sock (i sallotaped it to my leg for protection)and hurt myself to stop myself from crying...
i was gonna draw a love herat in bloood on his mirror
and was considering just killing myself and writing sorry on the wall in blood but didn't
anyway redid makeup AGAIN and then came back like half an hour later
(and i only had 15 mins before i had to go home)
got all stuff in and i nearly started crying again so i ran upstairss
came down when stuff was in
his sis went upstairs to lok around.. he hugged me and tried to kiss me but i wouldn't kiss him just held him and nestled my head on his shoulder and he said he was sorry about today and stuff and i almost cried AGAIN but said it was ok
then his sis came down and i had to go
but wewere out of rawtenstall now so had to get bus
so waiting for bus, almost cried again as ad began to say to his sister about making the bed and stuff and looking at me and she said "what dou need a bed for" so he was clearly giving away what happened on wednesday [even though we didn't even use a bed then but anyway] which upset me then i saw the icecream van but only the top of it which was white and brown like the buses so i said "is that the bus" then stopped as i realised it wasn't but he started making fun of me.. he knows i;m short sighted *sob* so the bus came almost had to pay full fare but luckily ad stepped in said i wasn't from the area so i won't have a pass and i got away with paying less
but then we were on bus he was saying about ressing smart to go somewhere and his sister said "yeah going out on the pull are ya "which really upset me coz that means he's cheatin on me so i almost started crying again
anyway got off bus his sis FINALLY left us... went to stop and waited
his sis rang
te bus hadn';t come for the pasthour
they never run late
that was too much i started crying again infront of him so he hugged me and said "It'llbe right shh calm down" but yesterday was so shit... we didn't even make out! v_v
bus finally came so got on it... started cyring again on bus
got off in manchester and had to run to met
feet are all blistered and split today
and he told me to ring him on met
had onephone off and wouldn't answer the other one
and today he rang me but went off it quick
never says "i love u" anymore v_v y_y ;_;
plus i felt sikc yesterday
the had to make up shit to muma nd nan about being out with my friends and stuff v_v
i was crying alllast night i'm so tired ;_;

sent hates me too i know he does... blocked me on msn and yahooo *sigh*

so unhappy v.v


Posted by angelondeathrow at 5:47 PM BST

Monday, 25 July 2005

can't feel the same about you anymore
Now Playing: Funeral for a friend: streetcar
Topic: WhirlwindThoughts

More messages from scott X.x

duckmandrake2000 (25/07/2005 06:39:43): Good moring, hope you slept well, and I hope you have a good day
duckmandrake2000 (25/07/2005 06:40:05): your fellow partner in crime, Scott

gah wtf?! why is he thinking about me sleeping?!?!?! and partner in cimre? huh? did i miss something?! O.O

anyway going gym today and gonna download music later. ad rang me last night and he seemed strange.. it didn't even sound that much like him but it was coz i know it was but it's like... like how he sounded after we broke up when he rang me where insteadof saying "hi hun" or "hi darlin'!" he just said.. "hello..." it was weird and he was speking quietly... o.o;; meh i dunno
gonna see him wednesday though ^_^

i'm confused about what i feel for mike... i don't know if ilove himor nto anymore... he's never online so meh...

gur more things goign through my head today (and i have a cold) about avril lavigne and when i think of her i think of mum saingi look like her and me getting pissed off which remidns me of tori on urbis being made fun off and being called an avril wannabe because she wasin pinka nd black and stuff and loked a lil like her (but no way near as pretty as avril and thats saying something ugly bitch)which reminded me of the same day wheer ad left me and her and tenj and stel and went off with some otjher gils (2nd time i was him) and pulled them and stuff >_> and going home with tori thinking she was a;lright and everyone was wrong about her because she seemed nice and THEN she goes and arranged to sleep woith adrian 32 days after me and him break up! which remidns me of him cheatin on me god knows how manyt times which remind me of when i burst into tears so many times thast day in fench, in the toilets walking to art or we lesson it was and from maths and tenji being really sympathetic -_- and loz not knowing what to do but only her caring and then a few weeks ago where iwent into the tiolets at school and tried to kill myself but couldn't do it which remind me of being deprssed which makes me despressed which makes me wanna slit... V_v

it all comes down to suicide in the end


get used to that phrase i use it alot.

anyway feel ill but i don't wanna give ad another cold if he comes round wednesday AHH

and i ca't shave for the gum today coz then i'll be hairy onw ednesday AHHH


anywway gonna go post on gaia for a bit and then download some music...^_^;


Posted by angelondeathrow at 11:14 AM BST

Sunday, 24 July 2005

I almost forgot your face... till they played that song tonight
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: All american rejects; Lost in you
Topic: WhirlwindThoughts
the one we used to HATE

Gah i feel sad at the moment.. just listened to greenday int he car and i was thinking about adrian... dammit i shouldn't do this beause everytime i think of hiom stuff starts plaguing my mind and i got home, went upstairs and started crying... :( i couldn't help it...

i was also listening to Paper Heart and some lyrics like:
Simple things that make you run away
[reminded me of ad leaving coz he couldn't take a joke; and henry leaving coz i got upset over silly things]
Catch you if i can
[reminded me of chasing after mike... and n0ow henry by joining his site]
Bottle up old love, throw it out to sea, wash it away as you cry
[I've cried enoguh tears to wash anything away ^_^;... also reminded me of distance]
a year has passed, the seasons grow
[A year HAS passed since me and henry broke up]
winter nights my bedside is cold, for i have gone, spring blossoms you to me
[Henry was mean to be visiting me at xmas... me and ad broke up at xmas.. dumped mike at xmass... got back with henry for spring.... same with ad]

*sigh* v_v i can't block anythig out of mind right now.. passed tori's house before and i wanted to go torch it >_< i would too... but not sure which wone exactly it is... so have to burn the whole block...
and that reminds me of her and ad arraneging to sleep together and the fact they probaably alreday have and then the other thing about me wanting to burn down the church ast his wedding which reminded me of him gettign married which reminds me of the reason we broke up which reminds me of him cheating on me which reminds me of kati which reminds me of the note she wrote to me appologising but i couldn't forgive her and which remidns me of havingt os ee her everyday and her being smarmy and oastign about it which reminds me of her and tori talking about me and him behind my back and laughing just before kati puleld him and ori went to sleepw ith him which reminds me of henry for some reason cheating on me with that person.... uhh... jamie thats it which reminds me of zd and all the bad things i've done... shane's right i am evil and i deserve everything i get which makes me wonder whats goood about myself really? why do i even bother living in this world?! wouldn't i nbe better off dead... which makes me deprssed which makes me slit... v_v

hacven't yet because goigng gym tomorrow but after that.... *sigh* i dunno...

but the weird thing is... when he ringsme all that stuff goes out of my head
but if i think of loving him so much i'd sleep with him then it all comes back and my minds screaming "NOOOOOOO!"and i can't block that out ;_;
plus theres mike to sorry about too.

ghost left me this messages on yahoo
duckmandrake2000 (24/07/2005 01:34:29): sorry I haven't been on latly, but I've really been busy latly, but I should be on alot more in about a week or so
duckmandrake2000 (24/07/2005 01:34:46): missing you, Scott

i think he might fancy me >.<

well went to BBQ on friday... bit borin... jade insulted us all,.. becks left us..watched Big Bro that was about it... *yawn*

want a greenday cd[for some reason] and another all american rejects and sugarcult and the used. but bleh...

got a corset ?3 yesterday yey!

been walking today and had mcdonalds...yey...

gran just been on phone for 8minutes!
and i got about 5 words in thats all!

anyway today also been in lyme hall... found out grandad's great grandad was lord stamford who owned dunham hall but he was gay and had no kids so when he died his sister got it in london, she didn't have enough money and gave it to the national trust to look after it.
Also found out lady Jane grey [who was queen for 6 days before queen elizabeth took over and beheaded her] was also my relation because she was a relation of the stamfords.

anyway random time:
Tori will have your babies
Obviously likes black
Rapes guys for fun
Is mentally unstable
Acts like a 5 yr old
N eurotic
A>/strong>ttempts suicide
N othing you can say will ever change her.

bought new stuff on gaia ^_6 but so's everyone else dammit so after web set now
it'll take me 5 years to get an omg hat.. i worked it out if i post everyday and got about 300-500 gold per day

half a year to get Nightmareheadband
and 3/4 year-year to get NitemareScarf

great >_<

might have to quest and hope people will donate but they hardly ever do v_V

better get polling then...

urgh feel so deprssed... i bet adrain doens't buy me anything from Germany >_>


Posted by angelondeathrow at 6:58 PM BST

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